Post by Agent Kev on Oct 27, 2004 15:21:19 GMT -5
This was posted on DVDVR:
ARE YOU ALEX RODRIGUEZ
1. What are you wearing right now?
a) Casual clothes - just the old jeans and T-shirt combination.
b) Business casual, in case you have to be on TV.
c) Whatever goes well with purple lipstick.
2. You have just given a speech regarding your free-agent status stressing how much you love playing in Seattle and how money isn’t important. People believe you are a class-act and not a money-grubbing lowlife, lying piece of sh*t… You reward their faith by:
a) Settle for less money to play with the team that made you a superstar. After all, once you start getting five or six mil a year, it’s just numbers anyway.
b) Come clean, and explain to the fans that it’s all about the $$$ and you have to take what you can get when you can get it.
c) Grab a big contract and sneak out of town like a thief in the night leaving your agent to make excuses about your remarks being taken out of context.
3. You have just signed the richest contract in baseball history. The amount of your salary puts your new team in a precarious position where they are relegated to fielding a team of rookies and has-beens becausse they can’t afford to sign any other players. What do you do to help out and demonstrate your leadership?
a) Defer part of your salary so your new team has a chance of winning.
b) Demonstrate your on-field and clubhouse leadership by taking this motley assortment to the ALCS.
c) Cash your checks and start making noises about being traded to a contender
4. You are brought in to a new team for your stellar play and leadership qualities. You respond by:
a) Leading your new team to the World Series..
b) Taking a last place team to a win in their division and a trip to the playoffs.
c) Three consecutive fourth-place finishes in a field of four, all the while padding your stats and bitching about being traded to a contender. Remember, these guys gave you $250 million to make them a contender, you ungrateful fuck.
5. You have finally succeeded in extorting a trade from your present club. Your old team (the one that finished in last place) now has their MVP ripped away… How do they respond?
a) By losing more games than the Cleveland Spiders.
b) Asking to be contracted as they obviously cannot compete in the majors without you.
c) They respond by winning more games in a season than at any time you were with the club and threatening to win their division. Some “veteran presence” you were, you useless puddle of wank.
6. You finally get your chance to play for baseball’s most storied franchise, you can help the team the most by replacing their somewhat indifferent shortstop and lettiing him move to third. What do you do?
a.) Obviously, you take on the challenge of playing short and breaking in their new second baseman. After all, you’re the best man for the job and will rise to the occasion.
b) Offer to split time between positions
c) Grab the hot corner for yourself and leave the error-prone Jeter at SS. Why take a chance on screwing up your fielding %?
7. When questioned on this move you:
a) Claim that playing 3rd was in your contract.
b) Spin it as Jeter’s request
c) Dodge the question entirely while spouting platitudes about doing whatever's best for the team, when you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t give a tinker’s damn about what’s best for the team.
8. On a critcal play in the ALCS, you have an opportunity to start a rally by moving the runner to scoring position or driving him in, the eyes of the world are upon you, never in your career will you play ona bigger stage than this. You respond by:
a) Hitting a towering home run that clears the wall and travels 750 ft. before stopping. The ghosts of Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and Lou Gehrig are awed by your prowess.
b) Drop a bunt and move the runner to second.
c) Hit a weak dribbler up the line and then get called out for interference when you try and slap the ball out of your oponnent’s hands thus denying the runner the chance to advance and possibly costing your team the win.
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Alex Rodriguez.
Mainly b: Thank God, neither are you.
Mainly c: Nicely done, you arrogant, prancing prima donna. You were a loser in Seattle, a loser in Texas, and now you’re a loser in New York. Beginning to see a pattern here, you worthless fuck? The only thing you do well and consistently on a team basis is double-date ugly hookers with your buddy Jeter when on the road. You are dollar for dollar a worse investment for New York than Kevin Brown, Ed Whitson, and Steve Trout combined. Sure, you’ll waltz into the Hall of Fame with 500 career HRs and 2000+ hits but the only people that wll bother showing up to see you inducted are local media sent there against their will and the members of your entourage that you paid to be there. We’ve always suspected that you were a whiney little bitch and now you’ve removed all doubt. MVP? Only if that stands for “Most Valueless Punk”.
1. What are you wearing right now?
a) Casual clothes - just the old jeans and T-shirt combination.
b) Business casual, in case you have to be on TV.
c) Whatever goes well with purple lipstick.
2. You have just given a speech regarding your free-agent status stressing how much you love playing in Seattle and how money isn’t important. People believe you are a class-act and not a money-grubbing lowlife, lying piece of sh*t… You reward their faith by:
a) Settle for less money to play with the team that made you a superstar. After all, once you start getting five or six mil a year, it’s just numbers anyway.
b) Come clean, and explain to the fans that it’s all about the $$$ and you have to take what you can get when you can get it.
c) Grab a big contract and sneak out of town like a thief in the night leaving your agent to make excuses about your remarks being taken out of context.
3. You have just signed the richest contract in baseball history. The amount of your salary puts your new team in a precarious position where they are relegated to fielding a team of rookies and has-beens becausse they can’t afford to sign any other players. What do you do to help out and demonstrate your leadership?
a) Defer part of your salary so your new team has a chance of winning.
b) Demonstrate your on-field and clubhouse leadership by taking this motley assortment to the ALCS.
c) Cash your checks and start making noises about being traded to a contender
4. You are brought in to a new team for your stellar play and leadership qualities. You respond by:
a) Leading your new team to the World Series..
b) Taking a last place team to a win in their division and a trip to the playoffs.
c) Three consecutive fourth-place finishes in a field of four, all the while padding your stats and bitching about being traded to a contender. Remember, these guys gave you $250 million to make them a contender, you ungrateful fuck.
5. You have finally succeeded in extorting a trade from your present club. Your old team (the one that finished in last place) now has their MVP ripped away… How do they respond?
a) By losing more games than the Cleveland Spiders.
b) Asking to be contracted as they obviously cannot compete in the majors without you.
c) They respond by winning more games in a season than at any time you were with the club and threatening to win their division. Some “veteran presence” you were, you useless puddle of wank.
6. You finally get your chance to play for baseball’s most storied franchise, you can help the team the most by replacing their somewhat indifferent shortstop and lettiing him move to third. What do you do?
a.) Obviously, you take on the challenge of playing short and breaking in their new second baseman. After all, you’re the best man for the job and will rise to the occasion.
b) Offer to split time between positions
c) Grab the hot corner for yourself and leave the error-prone Jeter at SS. Why take a chance on screwing up your fielding %?
7. When questioned on this move you:
a) Claim that playing 3rd was in your contract.
b) Spin it as Jeter’s request
c) Dodge the question entirely while spouting platitudes about doing whatever's best for the team, when you’ve made it abundantly clear that you don’t give a tinker’s damn about what’s best for the team.
8. On a critcal play in the ALCS, you have an opportunity to start a rally by moving the runner to scoring position or driving him in, the eyes of the world are upon you, never in your career will you play ona bigger stage than this. You respond by:
a) Hitting a towering home run that clears the wall and travels 750 ft. before stopping. The ghosts of Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and Lou Gehrig are awed by your prowess.
b) Drop a bunt and move the runner to second.
c) Hit a weak dribbler up the line and then get called out for interference when you try and slap the ball out of your oponnent’s hands thus denying the runner the chance to advance and possibly costing your team the win.
ANSWERS:
Mainly a: You're not Alex Rodriguez.
Mainly b: Thank God, neither are you.
Mainly c: Nicely done, you arrogant, prancing prima donna. You were a loser in Seattle, a loser in Texas, and now you’re a loser in New York. Beginning to see a pattern here, you worthless fuck? The only thing you do well and consistently on a team basis is double-date ugly hookers with your buddy Jeter when on the road. You are dollar for dollar a worse investment for New York than Kevin Brown, Ed Whitson, and Steve Trout combined. Sure, you’ll waltz into the Hall of Fame with 500 career HRs and 2000+ hits but the only people that wll bother showing up to see you inducted are local media sent there against their will and the members of your entourage that you paid to be there. We’ve always suspected that you were a whiney little bitch and now you’ve removed all doubt. MVP? Only if that stands for “Most Valueless Punk”.
